Humor me.

So, I was having a random thought, per usual. And I came down a few pretty outlandish things, that I thought were a bit giggly.

Ok, you have too just entertain the idea of Aliens' existence while reading this, and frankly too actually believe withing endless space that we are the only lifeforms would just be ignorant anyway. Now, in my brainstorm i was thinking of an encounter, ya know "Independence Day" "Signs" situations like that, but hopefully without the violent destruction of mankind, etc.

I am proposing that if Aliens are watching us right now, even when you're reading this, naked on your bed with Dirty Jobs on the TV, that they are probably planning us out, mapping our habits, best place too enter, right? That's what I would do, and THAT'S where this takes a spiral in a different direction. If I was an alien, withOUT violent intentions I would want too make my encounter as friendly as possible, shake hands, slap an ass, kiss a baby or two, maybe kidnap some crooked senators, ya know, stir shit up a bit so people would know I mean well.

But if you take yourself out of your human shoes for a second, you'd realize a few things. America is obviously the dominant country, lets assume they'd stop here first. And if they did, in order too assimilate better into our society, theyd have too be "down" with our trends, habits, entertainment and ways of living our boring ass lives. And there is one thing that takes the cake on what America loves more than anything, Porn.

That's right. Good old fashioned fucking. And im sure at first it would create confusion among the alien race like "wtf they like to watch each other mate? Do they watch other animals mate..?" "....they WHAT?! They ssometimes mate WITH the animals! oh holy fuck we gotta get down there!" In my professional opinion (ha) I believe that in order to please us, when they see the amount of porn we watch, the money we spend on it, the over half of all internet sites being porn, that they would come down here, get 2 of their best looking specimen and start fuckin' right in front of the crowd of people.

Now, here's where most people start thinking "Oh man that's gross..." Waah wahh. BUT, you know, and I know that no matter how fucked up it is (remember 2 girls 1 one cup? Yeah, thought so) that Americans will WATCH it! I guarantee that within a day there'd be college kids like "Dude did you see the Aliens fucking last night!?" "NO! I wanna see! Holy shit it's got 68 million views already!?"

That about wraps up my rant, unless you want too see nasty alien vagina, i suggest we stop watching so much porn as a whole and do something better, like play scrabble or build tricycles for small children.

Peace on Earth, Fuckers.

Puking Etiquette by KJ

There's a few things that are very important about hurling, barfing, puking, and up-chucking. I've been sitting here thinking about them, No i have no idea why. Here's what I have come up with thus far:

Article 1. If you're out with your friends, tying one on this piece really comes into play. Most of bar areas, downtown places all have concrete, asphalt, hard surfaces outside. It's not too often you walk out of the bar into a flower field or grass. So, when and if you are going to spew a.) check your surroundings, are there fellow persons nearby? If so, how close? b.) What type of surface are you going to be depositing your filth upon? If it's a hard surface, watch the splash. Splash puke damage is horrible. Especially if you and your pals are dressed up nicely, I'm sure your banker friend doesn't want last nights ravioli on his Dockers. So, check quickly, adjust accordingly and continue your spectacle for others to enjoy.

Article 2. When you are in the hurried up state of checking your surroundings, telling people to move quick, running with your head down and arms out stumbling to find a place (we've all done it, it's ok) DON'T look at your wingman(woman) in the eyes like you are surprised you are puking, huge bugged out eyes, grasping for help. Yeah, no shit you're puking bud, I just watched you down 3 AMF's and that stripper totally smelled like a garbage disposal. We won't give you the sympathy you are looking for, in fact we are hoping that odds are in our favor so we can laugh twice, once while it's happening, and then in the morning when we get too tell you all about it with better conjured up details "Yeah man you totally kissed tat midget selling hot dogs!"

Article 3. This one gets me to either puke, or dry heave every time. I do NOT want to hear you puke, that includes pieces from Article 1, splashing on flat hard surfaces counts. But the main point is people who scream puke, or bellow like a wild boar. Don't. Just get it out and let's get on our way, I already have enough people staring at me because you're puking in a public fountain, we don't need too attract the wildlife while we're here.

Final thing, when you're done. Chin up, wipe off, and take it like a tough guy say "Man, I'm glad i ate that last night it tasted better coming back up, let's get another beer" I dont want to see you crying or whining and wanting too go home, pick your pride up off the concrete and jump right back in.

My tax dollars aren't wasted...oh wait, what?

http://www.thirdage.com/news/patriotapp-lets-citizens-report-illegal-activity-feds_12-15-2010

Now after you've given that a little read, if you are an American with the ability of critical thinking, then great continue reading this. If you are ignorant, brainwashed etc then just click your back button. An app for the patriot act? Is that really necesary? Soooo all my tax dollars that go to the feds, too support their bullshit Law which limits over %90 of my constitutional rights, apparently isnt being spent on them doing teir god damn jobs, because some computer guros came out with an app "for society" too do it. Great...I can just see it now "oh my god, like yeaaah i totally just saw this guy go into the store and he was wearing white after labor day! like jesus chrrist"

So now it's just one big Captain Planet type en-fuckment. "The power is YOURS!" Christians? See someone praying too another god!? CALL NOW! Get the Patriot App and send those savages to a firey hell! Homosexuals, are you being oppressed too much! Call Right now and get the free Restraining order hot button, instantly get approved within 30secs! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

C'mon people.

Where's Caucasia?

I have come too clearly understand the true diversity that is The South. I always heard "oh yeah, N****rs, blah blah blah, Johnny Reb" but i never really came to terms with the reality that people actually still believe the Civil War is going on and that they need to constantly remain vigilant against blacks. ?...There's a clear indication of how ignorant people are down here. And it's pretty cut and dry for segregation around here too, white people stay out of the city more often than not, and black people never come too the country. both reasons are fear of being shot by one party or the other. It's quite eye opening too actually be living in the experience of the "durty souf". Believe it or not, this area of the country is STILL recovering from the civil war, no joke. I think its going to be quite some time before there is any sort of rebound, if any at all. Coal mines play (played) a huge part in the forming of these states after Reclamation ended, and I've driven though/been in plenty of towns that are quite good sized (caldwell-ish size) that have plenty of retail buildings, commerce areas...but NO customers. If it was a coal town 30 years ago, it is dead silent now. true story. That is also a hindering factor in the economy down here, there isn't any new money, it's all old money that slowly being siphoned out by the %80 of people on welfare, and it's kind of sad. This state itself is actually beautiful, forests, lakes (no mountains -5pts), but it cant thrive with everyone leeching off anything it has too offer.

The government doesnt really care about the South if anyone hasnt noticed on the news, etc. Not a whole lot of funding, things of that nature. I mean look when Katrina hit....THAT was a fucked up sideways mess, including the hurricane. And I know people dont like to say it, or think it, but I dont care. It happens this way because this country is still racist. Yeah, grit your teeth Left Wingers. It is. and it most likely always will be.

But it goes both ways. Being white in the south and going into any gas station, grocery store, anything with a main focus on customer service, and if theres a black person working the counter they will make you feel like you beat them everyday and owned their parents. No joke. I can walk up to the counter and be friendly as hell, ask how they are doing etc, all i get is eye-rolls, no eye contact "what do you wants" and "yeah yeah ok bye". !?! A. my family didnt even live here during slavery, B. do your fucking job and be friendly (oh wait nevermind you wouldnt get fired anyway, because then you'd pull the racist card) There's an old timer black guy who works with my dad that is supposed to wash the aircraft when it's in the hangar, he doesnt do that, hardly ever, shows up to work hammered ass drunk everyday, and sits around. Can they fire him? Nope, he's black, and they don't want a lawsuit. So, this country isn't racist anymore huh? Right. The first time I ever got a decent response from a black person at a gas station was in Mississippi on an Army base, gee wonder why they were friendly. "Un-friendly workers will be shot on sight" then in small print "unless you are sue happy". It just gets quite old after awhile, fair treatment should just immediately be ingrained into a persons mind of this time and age, but it's not because the more stupid people you have in one spot, the more stupid people will come out and ruin everything else.

Our neighbor kid, probably about 14. Real good kid, "yes sir" type of kid. Perfect speech, well dressed, just overall a good kid. He gets good grades, plays sports, hunts...but there's one fallback. The media, the news, the churches will RUIN him. as soon as he turns 19-20 and can form his own opinions, he will be so overwhelmed by the sheer idiocy down here that he will end up just like his parents, just like they did from their parents, it's a never ending cycle. "Education!" People always say, well folks the American Education system is just about as fucked up backwoods as Deliverance...and here's the best part. Its never going too change, don't wait for it, don't look. Your votes won't matter. Period.

Southern Living, with a Northern mindset.

So, I moved to Alabama from Nampa, Idaho for those of you who are not or were not aware. Had a U-haul rental, and a dog for 2,061 miles and 3 days of driving. It was quite the adventure, I will say that. And I can now easily rule out quite a few states I know for a fact I never want too live in. Pretty much any state Southeast of the Snake River. I mean...Nebraska?! Really? I drove in a straight line from the west end of the state to the east, I could see Missouri the whole time, I never even turned that whole part of the drive, as far as your eyes can see...pure nothingness. No trees, no rocks, nothing. I made it to Memphis, TN on the final day, at about 10 30pm...lost. THAT was awesome, young white kid driving around in a  U Haul completely unaware for about 4 miles that I was in THE hood. I turned that truck around so fast we about tipped and my dog probably peed. Memphis is filthy, just saying. I drove all through that city and it LOOKED miserable, I can't even imagine what'd be like to live there. That experience unknowlingly formed my opinion on the South. I got to Birmingham, AL unloaded the next day, settled in....and met my neighbors. Now, I do live about 30mins outside of B-Ham, in the sticks, so yes, my neighbors are....interesting to say the least. But I dont think from my experiences so far with people who live in the city that they are very much different. They are probably related anyhow (ha). One that lives up the road has a mid 90's Camaro, with about a 3 foot lift on it, and 44" Mickey Thompsons. Yee-haw. "hell yeah, i built it all myself" he tells me one day. I couldn't even muster a response, he had penetrated my IQ and all I could think was "Junior, I Love You! Go 'round dat circle one mo' time fer me! Hur Hur! Mmm Budweiser!" And here's the Kicker, his last name is Jolly. Jolly...


Everything here is different. Everything. Food, Music, Culture, Attitudes, IQ, Number of teeth per person, amount of shirtless people, so on and so forth. Not a day goes by that I dont see something that makes me stare in sheer amazement at someone or something that stems completely from the South. Things you would only dream about seeing for laughter in the NW. Like the weather for example, last winter it snowed here (yes, it snows. but its more like a light rain mist in comparison to where im from) and the forecast called for 1/4" <---One...Quarter...Inch AND THEY SHUT DOWN THE ROADS!!!  !?!?!? AND the airport. Are you serious? Jesus, everyone gtfo! That god damn blizzard is coming! Get your house off the wheels and grab the duck tape! its gonna be a doozy! And the speech....oh my. where to begin? I can't barely understand anything, anyone says, at any given time. but of course everyone around me can understand every slewed, chewed, and spit out word. I have a very hard time even keeping a straight face talking to some, but there is also a good majority of people who don't have a thick as molasses accent, those people i get along with better, even if they do think dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago (Sarah palin that's your queue, come on down!)

The Food. Is Amazing. That's probably the best Pro I can manage right now, I'm sure theres more too come. But every BBQ smothered meat product here will knock your dick in the dirt. It is incredible. People are so, so passionate about "the way its' done" down here. You will see grown men with tears in their eyes if they get the just right smoke on a pork roast, or that just perfect biscuit n cheese. There's another fad down here about food I was unaware of, Wings N' Waffles. Yeah, process that, it's ok. Waffle House serves them, as do other types of that genre. Very Weird. Haven't tried it yet, but I cant so i dont like it, till i try it (thanks mom). When I leave, I will miss the Southern Food. Very much.

The Hospitality. not really much to say here, other than even my gnarliest neighbors would give me the shirt off their back at any given time, even first meeting them. Super nice, super friendly, most are poor, or well on their way and they'd still bend over backwards to help someone else out. I like that. Helping your fellow man, just because they can. Thats something us Northerners should mold ourselves into. It's all too often you walk into a grocery store, down the street, into a bar, and everyone just keeps too themselves. Not down here by golly, you cant do anything without stopping and talking to someone about God knows what for 15-20mins. Most of the time the conversations will lower your IQ, but its always an experience, and always fun too look back and laugh on later.

more soon, promise. fingers are getting tired, and I've got Netflix too watch.